The Horizontal State

Would that I could float through life in a horizontal state–

It seems that when I’m prostrate, I don’t look antiquate

Once I’m perpendicular, all illusions fade

My skin begins to crumple like a silken Austrian shade

Wasn’t it just yesterday, my legs were sleek and sheen?

I paraded in bikinis–the intention to be seen

Then something happened instantly–I wish I had a clue

My taut and tightened belly expanded as it grew

However when I’m supine,  the tummy’s smooth again

Splayed out I might delude some foolish, naive men.

A thought has just occurred–your avoirdupois is new

Horizontalism may well be good for you

We’ll lie prone upon a Louis the XV chaise

Expelling any vestige of depression or malaise

At mealtime, we’ll have ourselves an orgy Bacchanal

Reclining as we drink and dine–just never vertical

In the morning you’ll behold  my firm and radiant skin

And likewise I will fib and say how slim you look again

At dusk we’ll rise, meandering without a speck of light

Fat and wrinkles go undetected in the darkness of the night.

Jan Chapman

November, 2012

Haiku for Old People

Guess they have arrived

Sags, bags and wrinkles that is

None there yesterday

 

Dead as a doornail

I never saw a doornail

At least a dead one

 

 Showered tonight

Smell like apples and peaches

Want to  bake a pie

 

The Fountain of Youth?

I rid my house of mirrors

Without them, I’m young

 

Please! Release my words

I need a ‘enry ‘iggins

Before it’s too late

 

So it’s come to this

My lost, lonely libido

Here’s to vibrators

                                                                Jan Chapman

                                                                November, 2012

Orzo Chicken Salad

I had a variation of this made by my granddaughter, Patty when I visited their home in Colorado.  It was awesome, and I must admit, I had never tasted orzo before.  I think the secret to making a successful cold salad is that after the orzo is cooked, it must be rinsed repeatedly in cold water, otherwise it will be mushy.

I played around with the recipe a few times, and this is my finished version—however, it can be embelished so many different ways.  A great way to use your imagination.

Orzo looks like a rice, but it’s actually a pasta.

Cook the orzo according to directions, but you want it to have a slight ‘bite’.  Rinse repeatedly in cold water and drain in sieve.

I didn’t want to cook an entire 16 ounces of orzo, so I just used about a half cup dried, and about a cup of water.  Brought the water to a boil, threw in the orzo, and salted it.  Stirred until I felt the ‘bite’ was right.

For the sauce:

One tablespoon sherry vinegar

One tablespoon EVOO

One tablespoon squeezed lemon juice

Two teaspoons honey

1/4 tsp. cinnamon

Mix all together.  If you use the entire 16 ounces of Orzo, then multiply this sauce many times over. It’s good to save some of the sauce to add later, as the orzo has a tendency to suck it up (so to speak!).

In a bowl, place the drained orzo, and stir in the sauce

Add shredded cooked chicken

Chopped green onions

Golden Raisins

Toasted pine nuts

Just a tad of salt

A hint of the Mediterranean–I will definitely make it my way and Patty’s way again, and my thanks to Patty for introducing this tasty dish to me.

By the way, in Patty’s version, she used the same sauce, (but eliminated the cinnamon,) added  onions, pine nuts, chicken, chopped green onion, little red and yellow grape tomatoes chopped up small and drained in paper toweling to remove most of the seeds, Feta cheese, and lots of chopped fresh basil. No golden raisins either.  It was sooo good, and I’d suggest you try her version as well.

 

My Favorite Pie Pastry Recipe

I know there are many ways to make a pie crust, but to me, this is the flakiest of all the ones I’ve tried:

For a nine-inch pie–two crusts, although often I double the recipe to make “Whirligigs” with the leftover dough.

Two cups SIFTED Gold Medal Flour  (that means, you sift the dry ingredients, THEN measure the two cups.)

1 tsp. salt

2/3 cups plus 2 T Crisco

1/4 C ice water

Put the sifted dry ingredients into a mixing bowl, and with a pastry plender, cut in the shortening until the shortening particles are the size of giant peas.

Sprinkle the ice water a tblsp. at a time, mixing lightly with a fork until all the flour is moistened.

Gather the dough together with your fingers and place on waxed paper, folding the paper around it and pressing firmly..

When ready, roll out on a floured pastry cloth, cutting it in a circle about an inch larger in diameter than the pie dish.  Crimp the edges.

(If planning to bake the crust without a filling, make sure you add either dry beans, or ‘dock’ the bottom and sides to prevent swelling.)

WHIRLIGIGS

Always a favorite with children (and they can help.)

Gather the leftover dough into a ball and roll out on a pastry cloth.  Cut to make a rectangle.

Spread softened butter over the entire surface and sprinkle liberally with cinnamon sugar.

Roll up tightly and cut into 1/3 inch slices.

Place on cookie sheet and bake at 400 degrees until golden brown.

Remove carefully and place each one upside down on a plate until cool, and then turn over.  (The reason for placing the whirligigs upside down until they cool is that the bottoms will be ‘sticky’ and may stick to the plate.)

 

Rhubarb Custard Pie

From the time he was a little boy, my oldest son, Mike, requested this pie rather than a cake with candles, for his birthday.

I have never cared for plain rhubarb pie–too bitter–nor have I had a penchant for rhubarb/strawberry pie, for it neither tastes like rhubarb or strawberries, but rather something indescribable!

Rhubarb custard pie, however, raises the bar, and the luscious addition of the custard only enhances the rhubarb.

Ingredients for a nine-inch pie:

Beat slightly 3 eggs

Add 3 T milk

Mix together and stir in:

2 cups sugar

1/4 Cup Gold Medal flour

1 tsp. freshly grated nutmeg

Mix in:

4 or 5 cups cut up pink rhubarb

Pour into a pastry-lined glass pie dish

Criss-cross the top crust and dot with butter

Line metal foil around the crimped edges for the first 20 minutes of baking

Bake about 50 minutes at 400 degrees.

(My favorite recipe for pastry dough is added in this category.)

Beans, Beans, The Musical Fruit!

I keep containers of black beans, canneloni beans, and edamame (I don’t really know if that’s a bean or not, but you get the idea.)

My favorite brand of black beans is Bush’s and I’ve tried them all.

Empty the can of beans into a sieve.  Run cold water over them until the water comes out clean.  Spread the beans onto paper toweling to drain.  Salt fairly generously.  Put in plastic containers and refrigerate.

The edamame I  buy frozen —already shelled.  Follow directions;  however I don’t cook them quite as long as it says, for I like them a little ‘al dente.’   Again, I spread them out on paper toweling, cool completely, salt and refrigerate.

These keep for a couple of weeks, and are GREAT tossed onto salads.  So nutritious, and we all know how good they are for us.

Additions to Salads

A salad can be as simple or creative as you wish.

One of my favorite salads is to assemble two or three types of lettuces in a large bowl and then over the top, place the following:

Tiny circles of the new miniature peppers–red, yellow and orange

Chopped red onion

Olives–I particularly like the Kalamato olives–well drained

Red and Yellow grape tomatoes. (or that tomato surprise in “vegetables’.)

Feta Cheese–broken into rather large pieces–for who wants a miserly amount of feta cheese?

Black Beans

Edamame  Look for my cool idea in “miscellaneous and helpful hints’

I have found that guests love to put their own dressing over this salad, so rather than ‘dressing’ it myself, I pass a few combinations of dressing in plastic squeeze bottles with the long spouts–which makes it so easy to ‘drizzle’  thin strips of dressing over the top in creative designs.  My two favorite at the moment are Green Goddess, and a good Greek dressing.  But a well-aged Balsamic is rather nice if you’re counting calories.

When I make my salads for guests, I really like to assemble each one individually, cover them with dampened paper toweling,  seal with plastic wrap, and refrigerate.  If you have space in your fridge, it makes it so much easier than each guest having to struggle with scooping out their own salads.  Also, that way, you can make each one as pretty as can be, rather than a jumble of this and that.  (Or one person glomming all the cheese, or olives, and the next person left with nothing but the greens!)  Just a thought—you might want to try it.

Tabbouli

I may have to add to or ‘tweak’ this recipe in a few days, for my true recipe is in Ohio.  I will try to dish this out by memory.

Ingredients:

One box Heartland Bulgher wheat

Chicken broth– Home-made or a good canned brand.

Do not even THINK of making tabbouli unless you have access to FRESH herbs.  Under no circumstances are you to use dried herbs!!!!!  (I will come haunt you in your sleep.)

Three or four cups tightly packed mint leaves–finely minced 

One cup tightly packed Italian parsley–finely minced

About 24 or more long sprigs of chive–finely minced

Two or three bunches green onions–finely chopped

Two or three cups finely chopped and seeded plum tomatoes

EVOO

3 or 4 garlic cloves

Juice of about six lemons–strained

Salt and pepper

Technique:

Measure out the entire box of bulgher wheat. It seems to me it’s between three and four cups wheat.

Measure out the same amount of chicken broth

Put the dry bulgher wheat into a large fine sieve and run it under cold water.  Let it drain in the sieve for a few minutes.

In a large sauce pan, pour the chicken broth and bring to a boil.

SLOWLY scrape the bulgher wheat into it, and stir—ONCE.

Cover and simmer on low for a few minutes.  Turn the heat off, and let sit covered for about 10 minutes.

Uncover, fluff with a fork and sprinkle generously with salt and pepper.

Scoop out onto one or two cookie sheets, fluffing often to separate the grains until completely cool. (I even use clean hands to do this–carressing the grains through them to separate.

At this point you can refrigerate the grains, covered in a plastic container until ready to use.

In a blender or food processor, zap the garlic, add the lemon juice, salt and pepper, and drizzle the EVOO slowly into it with the blade running until not ompletely runny.  You want it  still to  taste extremely ‘lemony’!  

Pour the bulgher wheat back onto a couple of cookie sheets with raised sides.  Mix the herbs, tomatoes and onions into it until completely mixed.  Drizzle the lemon sauce into it, again, fluffing completely.  Taste and adjust seasonings if necessary.

I like to pour the tabbouli into a pretty bowl, and on top place a ‘flower rose’ sculpted from a long tomato peel, and for the stem, two or three varying lengths of chive, using three or four mint leaves as the leaves.

Tabbouli will keep for three or four days, and I guarantee–if your family is like mine–they will BEG for it during the summer.  It is a labor of love, however; and I always plan to devote two days for its eventual creation.

What Goes Around Comes Around

          Over the years, Tom and I palled around with three other couples.  We all lived within a few houses of one another.  After the first five years of camaraderie, albeit a few small arguments over our political leanings, it was voted unanimously that we should no longer speak of politics if we wished to maintain our friendship.

          Another five years came and went, and religion became such a hot topic that we added “we’ll never discuss our faith,” to the list.

          Around the fifteenth year of our closely knit group, we’d listened to enough of our children’s accomplishments; because collectively, we now had a total of twenty-three offspring–and that was one hell of a lot of accomplishments. The subject of our kids was now off the table.

          The twentieth year brought new headaches.  Our youth’s glowing accolades, which none of us were allowed to mention, were now outweighed by the degree of mischief they got themselves into.  Suffice it to say there were episodes which involved tobacco, a nun’s umder drawers strung  up the school flagpole, some smelly stuff we were told was merely ‘ground oregano’, and a few misplaced youngsters deciding that it would be adventuresome to run away from home–if even for a night or two.  Thankfully, law enforcement in the neighborhood was fairly lenient; however we swore in blood to no longer bring up the woeful tales of our adolescent miscreants when we were gathered together for an evening of alcoholic reprieve.

          As we approached our fifties and sixties, something happened that none of us had banked on:  We eight became grandparents to any of the following:  the future president of the United States; maybe  a famous astronaut; perhaps a medical genius, or possibly, a professional athlete.  After a few years of trying to out-brag the others, we agreed that any talk of our expanding grand-progeny, or the passing around of their Sears’ photos, would not be tolerated under any circumstance.

          Now it seems, as we approach the ‘other side of the grass’, we are left with only one topic:  THE ORGAN RECITAL.  That’s correct–Pills and Ills, Diarrhea and Constipation, Surgeries and Replacements, Graying Hair or Lack Thereof.  Once again, it’s a gigantic case of each trying his or her best to outdo the rest.

          Last evening, I suggested to the remaining few that we skip complaining about our failing health, and concentrate on the up and coming election.  Perhaps it would be interesting to discuss just whom our future president will be.

          I’m just sayin’—life as I know it, has indeed come full circle:  What ensued was a highly raucous and spirited debate.  Some left earlier than others.

                                                                                      Jan Chapman

                                                                                      April, 2012

What’s An ‘Other’?

My son Mike, set up my Blog, and one of the categories appears to be one titled “Other”.  I’m in a quandary as to what this means.  One would assume that it’s merely a ‘catch-all’ for anything not qualifying to be entered in any of my other categories.  So—

If any of you out there in cyberespace has a suggestion as to what I can write about pertaining to “Other”–I’m open to all suggestions.

Here’s a random thought:  When you reach the end of any given category (Poetry, for instance,) hit “Older Posts”.  There’s more poetry to be had.

Jan