April the First–known to most of us as “April Fool’s Day”, has always been my favorite make-believe-not-so-real hokey holiday.
I come by this naturally, for my mother was the “Queen of April Fool’s Jokes”. My first recollection of her duplicity was back in the 1930’s when my scrooge of a grandfather came to visit during this particular time. Grandpa lived with my dad’s older sister and her husband, and every so often, they needed a much-deserved vacation from his miserly ways.
He didn’t believe in banks, and consequently, when he arrived, he brought with him all of his worldly assets. Possibly. We could only assume that those worn leather bags held thousands of dollars, deeds to his many properties, and who knew what else? Our imagination knew no bounds!
My mother didn’t care for him too kindly, for many years before, she and my dad had asked him for a small loan to save their house from foreclosure. He said ‘no’, although he had the means to save them; consequently, they lost that home and had to move to a tiny run-down house with little indoor plumbing, an old coal furnace, and in a poor part of town. That was where I was raised, and that is where Grandpa had come to stay for the week.
On April Fool’s Day my mother decided to get even. When Gramps shuffled down from his bedroom for dinner, there she was with dollar bills taped to the soles of her shoes. We hoped he was disturbed enough to wonder if she had rifled through his bags and helped herself to his wealth. He died unexpectedly a few weeks later, and mama always relished the possibility that she may have contributed to his untimely demise.
Then, there was the year of the nosy next-door neighbors, who were always prying into our business. On that April 1st, my mother took clothes pins and pinned an entire can of bean sprouts to the clothesline, hoping the snoops would question what on earth she was hanging there. They never took the bait, but she delighted in her foolishness nevertheless!
Over the years, on the first of April, I have treated my children to “Green Eggs and Ham” for breakfast, thrown a dinner party where the menu consisted of a salad composed of egg shells, green Jello and chicken bones, with Moose Poop Pie for dessert. (It was actually chocolate mousse which had refused to ‘set’, and after the initial shock, I offered a real dinner.) I have served cupcakes topped with shaving cream to my children’s friends, sending them running to the neaby sink to expectorate.
Last year, Norm, my good friend in Creative Writing and I, decided we would fool our class by arriving, flowers and all, with the announcement that we had gotten married. Norm played the perfect ’husband’. He was all “honey” this, and “darling” that. Kind of sad to deceive them–but hey!
This brings me to regale you with my favorite April Fool’s Day of all–well, almost:
It occurred three years ago. My husband had died that September. After the initial grief, I decided it was time to get on with life. When I left for Florida two months later, Anne, my daughter-in-law whispered to me: “Now don’t go down to Florida and find yourself a young stud!” Then she chuckled ,”Ha-ha!” (Interpretation: “I doubt we have to worry about that!“)
The following December, I remembered her words and I planned–no, plotted–better still, schemed with what I thought would be the ultimate April Fool’s Joke of all time. I lay awake nights crafting it–even using a yellow legal pad to carefully construct a time-line.
This is what eventually occurred:
In January, I called my son Mark with the following well thought-out narrative: “Mark, I just want to throw this out to you, but tell me if you think it’s improper. There is a man in my building who is a new widower, and he’s asked me to dinner. Do you think I should accept, or would you be offended, feeling I wasn’t being true to your father?”
Mark said “Mom, I think that’s great. Life, after all, is for the living. It’s perfectly all right, and I couldn’t be happier for you. Go for it!”
February came and during one of our conversations, my son asked, “Mom, did you and your friend ever go out to dinner?” I responded, “Yes, I took your advice and accepted. We’ve had a few dates and we’re going out again tomorrow night.” He asked me where we were going, but I said I had no idea.
Days later, I called Mark and told him that we had the most wonderful evening. “George, (I thought that was a nice generic-sounding name,) took me to the Ritz Carlton. They had a piano player and George asked him to play ‘Some Enchanted Evening‘”. Mark was impressed.
I didn’t hear from my son for about a week, but when he called, his first question was “Mom, you’ve never really told me much about your friend. What’s he like?” I had a ready answer. “Oh, it’s so wonderful. He’s not a golfer like your father; rather, he’s a swimmer like me. George looks fantastic in a Speedo, and he’s got great shoulders! We spend a good deal of time together at the pool, I demurred. ” He even applies sun tan lotion to my back, and I can tell–the other ladies are green with envy!”
The seed had been planted. Now all I had to do was wait for germination.
The plot took little time to sprout, for Mark called the very next day. “Mom, Anne and I would like to know a little more about this George.” “Well, he’s twelve years younger than I am, ties his hair in a pony tail, and he wears this little diamond stud in his ear lobe. We seem to have a lot in common, and I’ve had him here for dinner a few times. He says he prefers my cooking to eating out.” It was quiet on the other end of the line.
I allowed an appropriate amount of time to pass, and then called Mark with the following news flash: “Hi honey. Guess what? George has asked me to go on a cruise with him. I’m so excited. I haven’t bought a bikini in years. We’re going Dutch, but that’s ok. I doubt that he has enough money to pay for the two of us.”
My strategy was to call Mark on April 1st and announce that ‘George’ and I had eloped to Las Vegas! Oh, I was licking my chops over the deliciousness of my deceit! However–
A few days later, my daughter-in-law called and said: “Jan, I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but Mark is checking on airline reservations to come to Naples. He wants to meet George.”
My cover was blown. I had to come clean. I confessed! Oh, but it would have been the grandest April Fool’s prank ever. Without a doubt.
Jan Chapman
January, 2013
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